“Bring Back our Queens: Proverbs 31”

*Disclaimer: This post is intended for individuals in serious, committed relationships where BOTH parties are equally contributing and working towards a common goal. It is NOT (I repeat, is NOT) intended for situationships where only ONE party is doing majority of the work while Tyrone/ Keisha sleeps on your couch when you’re at work*

“You’re a princess so you deserve the absolute best. God will place the perfect man in your life who will sweep you off your feet. He will pamper you like a Queen while providing your every need. Remember to never surrender and most importantly, never settle…”

Oh how sweet the sound… How encouraging it is to be reassured that your future will be filled with shopping sprees, relentless with romance, bursting with back rubs and breakfast in bed, and provided for with pure bliss? How comforting it is to know that you will meet the person who will be responsible for your bright smiles, uplifted mornings, and protected nights? Aaahhhh those moments. Those moments you anxiously wait to experience…. They start with a simple hello and develop into a daydream. Nevertheless, you grow older and enter the dating world just to realize this adult version picture is not as breathtaking and appealing as that picture that was painted for you in your youth. Where are my 2 dozen roses? What happened to my back rubs and shopping sprees? And most importantly, who the heck is bringing my bacon in bed?!? Ugh, this is not how it’s supposed to be! Now what? Now you strongly want to go back and apply significant force (with your hands) to everyone’s face who put their bid in to sell you this dream! But then you start to wonder…. was it really a dream???

Has anyone (besides me) been faced with the fallacy that the man’s primary role in your life is to provide, protect, and prepare? Well, I come with good news for you– it’s not a fallacy! A male’s role in your life IS to provide for your home, protect your mind, body, and spirit, and prepare a future for your children. Although a challenging task, it’s the role he was created to fulfill. So if these are the males’ responsibilities, what purpose does a woman serve; what was she designed to do? Sit back and watch him do it all while contributing nothing? Sadly enough, some women would respond, “Yaaaasssssssss bish! That’s what he’s supposed to do, he’s the man!” I beg to differ. In my opinion, I believe she was designed with the EXACT same purpose in mind….

Somewhere along the lines of this ill-advised generation, the majority of today’s women received (and became consumed) with the idea that “the man of your dreams” will provide your EVERY need. He’s expected to be gainfully employed, love and care for his wife, be financially responsible, exhibit strength, practice discipline, AND be fine (ok I just added that fine part myself but aye, who doesn’t like something nice to look at?) Why should all of that pressure be applied to ONE person when a relationship requires TWO? God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” He did not say, “It’s cool for the man to be alone. I will make him a woman to be there when times are good and nag him when times are bad.” We were created to compliment men, not disgrace them. “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Be his relief, not the source of his pain.

As a woman praying and waiting for my husband, I have to remind myself that in order for me to be blessed with my King; I must first be a “Proverbs 31 Queen”– meaning I must be equipped and willing to provide, protect, and prepare alongside him. I MUST be willing to submit (NOT serve as a doormat—there’s a huge difference) to my husband, bring him good and not harm, nourish his mind and body, encourage him, exude strength and wisdom, remain faithful, and most importantly, respect him! “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies” I don’t know about y’all but I’m working to be top shelf!

Am I trying to be top shelf by myself? Of course not! I want every woman I encounter to desire the same. This isn’t written to hurt or demean anyone; it’s purpose was to serve as a friendly reminder to help my women (and myself) rediscover and reclaim our purpose. The more time I spend conversing with and observing others, the more I discover that fewer women are Proverbs 31 women. We’ve become women who are in competition to prove our capabilities, showcase our “independence”, and remind men that although we were created FROM them to ASSIST them, that we DON’T NEED them! That’s not who we were created to be. We were created to be man’s supplement. Admire his heart, support his vision, encourage his growth, RESPECT his position, strengthen his downfalls, direct his dreams, endure the difficult times, build a legacy, BE WHAT HE NEEDS! Don’t leave and/or demean him when times get hard. Life happens to us all.

I read a quote a few weeks back and it has really stuck with me since. It read, “Y’all are so afraid to build with a man. If he isn’t perfect, you quit. If he has potential, sit your ass down and help him reach it all.” In other words, lost his job? Help him find another and support the household in the meantime. Work stressing him out? Have the massage oil, hot bath, and Hennessy ready when he walks through the door. He can’t read? Order this nigga some “Your Baby Can Read” flashcards! (Lol!!!! Got eeemmm!!! Just wanted to see if you were paying attention). The moral of the story is, have his effin back!!!! Point. Blank. Period. Make it your duty to be a Proverbs 31 to a man who’s shown his worthiness. However, if you’re single like me, keep improving baby and remember you’re a Queen! Never surrender and most importantly, never settle! ❤

Peace and blessings! 🙂

Who Do You Love??

He’s unfaithful. “But I love him.”

He weakens your mind, body, and spirit. “But I love him.”

He carelessly abandons your desires and needs. “But I love him.”

He doesn’t encourage you to pursue your passions. “But I love him.”

As I sit here engulfed in my feelings and philosophies, I can’t help but recollect the numerous times I’ve either heard or spoken those 4 words that somehow provided a justification for my moments of powerlessness – “but I love him”. I love him so much that I chose to prioritize his needs before my own, although I knew his needs would serve as the crossing guard down a road of dissatisfaction. But I love him. I love him so much that in spite of the countless red flags that warned me he was trouble, I decided to indulge anyways just to see how satisfying his trouble tasted.  But I love him. I love him so much that I repeatedly chose tolerate his bad habits and behaviors that otherwise would have sent me running faster than a crack addict chasing a dollar bill on a string. But I love him. Do I love me? And if I do, who do I love more?

Lol… how many times?? How many times have we sat back and blatantly ignored EVERY SINGLE red flag that was raised in our face? I mean, some men’s Dickfax Personal History Report would look just like this…..

94 ½ accidents reported to Dickfax

Dickfax 102- previous owners

47 doctor visit records available

297,463 last reported ho-dometer reading

-$100 below retail book value

And guess what?! Some women would STILL find a way to excuse all that former bs and think, “I can change ALLLL of that! He just hasn’t met me yet. Just watch, he’ll be the next Barack by the time I’m done with him.” LoL! Are we serious?!?! What is it about us women that allow us to turn into effin Doc McStuffins when we enter into a relationship with someone? We meet and date these men that come with so much baggage, not to mention their unwillingness to change and think we have the love, patience, and POWER to polish them into the next best thing! Tuh! I don’t know about you, but I have definitely encountered a “red flag” man and ignored every single bump and bruise he had because I felt I had the power of baby Jesus himself and could turn this Lil Wayne into Idris Elba. How successful was I?? Baaabbby not at all… All I ended up with was Lil Wayne with a haircut, still no accent, and a lil more weight.  But I love him.

Now we’re at the point where it’s 3 years, 1 child, 10 empty bottles, and 88 boxes later and all I’m left to ask is… “How did I get here and who the eff is there to blame?” Do I blame him for coming into my life with so much baggage and feeding me lie after lie? Or do I blame myself for knowingly seeing what he brought to the table (nothing) and choosing to eat every lie like I’d been starving for months? Truth is, you blame yourself. People will always feed you exactly what you crave. It’s up to us to be able to decipher the talkers from the doers. If we initially make the mistake of tolerating other’s foolishness, that’s ok. Players eff up too, Craig. However, several bad choices are no longer mistakes, they become habits. As J. Cole said, “Fool me once man, shame on you. Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you. Fool me three times, f**k the peace sign, load the chopper and let it rain on you.” J I can only be mature for so long…. But I love him.

Then what? What do we do when we keep running into these men that seem to be nothing but irresponsible, untruthful, unfaithful creatures? We self- reflect and evaluate. We take a trip into our past and draw connections about ourselves to determine exactly what it is that attracts this said type of man. What vibes are we sending? Are we entering into a new relationship without fully recovering from a previous one? What are the roles of a woman in relationships? The man? What issues/flaws am I willing to overlook and what are those I REFUSE to deal with? Some people may believe that looking back into your past is a constant reminder of a place you no longer want to be but I believe you can’t change your future if you’re not willing to go dive into your past. Hindsight is such an insightful teacher…. But I love me.

As you’re lying in your fistful of tears and keep asking yourself, “Why won’t I just leave?” And the little voice inside you says, “Because you love him.” Take another moment to yourself and evaluate what love truly is. So many people have the thought of love misconstrued. They think it’s bitter, it’s painful. That’s the total opposite. True love encompasses all and mends even the most fragile heart. Forced companionship and disregarding our gut instincts are what leaves us bitter. At the end of the day, you have to say eff your feelings and know when it’s time to choose you. The right man will never come along if you’re too busy investing your time in the wrong one. But I love me.

As I wrap up this post, I have to say this… Remember to always guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Use your heart, but never forget to take your head with you… If a man tells you, “I’m really in tune with my emotions and I love hard.” Translation… RUN GUH!!!!!!!! This means he beats chicks up when he’s pissed!!! Read the fine print on those Dickfax!! Hahahaha!!! 😉 I’m joking, I’m joking. But seriously, learn yourself, trust yourself, and most importantly, respect yourself. When it’s all said and done, you only have one choice. Who do you choose? Put that woman first… ♥

P.S. I saw a meme the other day that said it takes about 62 “I’m done’s” before a chick is really done with her mate…. What number are you on??

Mascara & Lipstick

Allow this song to serve as a theme to this entry….

“Good morning beautiful. Hope you have a blessed day.” “As hard as I’ve tried, the thought of you has not escaped my mind all day.” “How’s your day?” “Thinking of you.” “Good night beautiful. Sweet dreams”….

Ooohhhh how beautiful it is to know that you’re constantly in someone’s thoughts. To know that throughout the day’s ceaseless moments of stress, busyness, appointments, and responsibility, someone made it their duty to ensure you knew that the mere thought of you surpassed all of life’s drama and remained on the forefront of their brains the entire day. Those delightful beginning stages….

Soon after, those ‘thinking about you’ text messages blossom into random, hour long phone conversations. Those unexpected, yet fulfilling phone conversations that originate from a simple hello and mature into you both conversing about experiences you wish you could erase from your pasts. Just the idea alone of seeing his name appear on your caller ID was enough to make every critical moment of your day vanish. Conversations turn into dinner and a movie—and before you know it, you find yourself embarking on late night rendezvouses just because you yearn to see his face, intimate cuddle sessions, and before you had the opportunity to give Cupid your permission, you’re totally enamored. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, you weren’t supposed to fall this deep this soon….

Although you have your reservations, falling feels good. You haven’t fallen in so long and because of him, you’re starting to remember how exhilarating falling feels. It’s definitely not love at this point—you really can’t attach a word to the way you feel. You’re past the point of general interest, but have yet to reach the point where you feel you can’t live without him. It’s still fun. (And I don’t know about you, but it’s never been a bad idea to invite fun to the bar for a drink or 2… or 6) 😉

Right as you’re in the middle of this blissful transit to love, you hit a bump. And I’m not talking about a minor speed bump—I’m talking about one of those ignorant ass potholes that make your heart skip a couple of beats as soon as you hit it. You didn’t see it coming—there was no way you could. But dammit as soon as you did, you almost hit 3 people, 2 babies, and a dog trying to dodge it. What the heck was that bump?! Life, reality, whichever you prefer. Unexpected bills arose, car trouble became a recurring theme, and two problems turned into 12. Typically, you can handle a few setbacks—you’re used to them, you almost expect them. But this time, they all came to visit you at once. That’s the part you weren’t expecting.

The interesting thing about it all is that life happens to all of us. The distinguishing factor that separates us all is how we choose to cope with life’s stress. I deal with stress the best way I know how. I do what I can, and allow God to do what I can’t. Others choose to tackle both the controllable and uncontrollable factors of life. (I personally don’t have the time or desire to do so). So in the midst of dealing with these setbacks, you decide to put a pause on this once blissful journey you were aboard. Those daily “good morning beautiful” texts you’ve become accustomed to painfully reverted to “what’s up” texts that occurred on a weekly basis. Those nice, hour long conversations regressed into hour long arguments because the ongoing stress he was enduring was damaging enough to rot even the most beautiful of moments to the bone. How the heck did we get here? How did we go from admiration to animosity? Just when I was beginning to fall…

Of course things happen in our daily lives that we don’t foresee. That’s what life is all about. But how do they quickly destroy something that once had potential to be so promising? It’s simple. The foundation was weak. You tried your best to be their calm in the midst of the storm. Not because you care so deeply for this person, but because you genuinely want to be the reason their storm didn’t seem so critical. You wanted to be the reason they had a reason to smile, even though the stones being thrown at them on a daily basis were enough to bring a giant to their knees. Was a mutual liking present? Yes. Was a mutual understanding present? No. We lacked the mutual respect and understanding that was essential for survival. Simply put, we didn’t know each other’s language so it was impossible to comprehend the message we were both trying to send. And although you tried your best to be their calm, you couldn’t. You weren’t allowed to be. They didn’t want you to be. When he’s stressed, he prefers to be left alone. I, on the other hand, am a fixer. I want to see where the issue lies, discuss it, brainstorm a solution, and make you laugh in the process. In his eyes, my attempts to help him through his storm were seen as me “pressing the issue” and his attempts to relay the message that he preferred to be left alone were perceived as him being an asshole. Not knowing how someone communicates is the key ingredient to a not-so-happy ending. Does it suck that it ended? Absolutely. But did I learn something valuable in the process? Absolutely… Forever takes faith and unity requires understanding. Try one without the other and it’s bound to result in hurt feelings and a Jazmine Sullivan cd.

So what do you have left after you’ve exhausted a good portion of your time and energy into something that eventually became a distant memory? You wake up, dress up, put on your mascara and lipstick, and SHOW UP! Good women don’t stay down too long…

Until next time,

Sucka4luvv 🙂

A Love Story…

K.I.N.G. Baby

Greetings my beauties and beasts! 😉 I know it’s been some time since I’ve allowed my thoughts to freely flow through my fingers so I’m definitely past due for a release of emotion. As you may already be aware of, my mind isn’t right if it’s not thinking of those four magical letters that bring me so much joy and fulfillment…wine! Lol! J/k…. I kid, I kid! LOVE silly!!! 😉

Although I try my best to function as a sane individual, my mind sometimes has its own agenda. Whether I’m at work or in the privacy of my own thoughts, my mind loves to escape on these illicit journeys that involve the love of my life and my future. As of late, I’ve been taking some time to meditate on my relationship views and how they potentially play a part in my current relationship status… single as hell!

Soooooo with that being said, over the past 3-4 months I’ve allowed myself to broaden my scope of an “ideal man” and learn to understand and appreciate the opposite sex for who they really are. You know, take some time to really get to see what they bring to the table besides excuses and penis. Time after time, I’ve been hearing people tell me, “Your standards are too high.” or “You know the older you get, the harder it’s gonna be to find a man with no kids… you may have to re-think that!” So with me not having any luck in the past, I decided to take their crazy ass advice and see where this road would take me. You know where it took me?! Down a damn crack alley, that’s where! Smh

It all started with a… “Hey beautiful, when can I see you?” This was the line I’ve been hearing for about 2 months. Of course, I tried my best to avoid the conversation at times but eventually, that curve was no longer an option—this dude was NOT having it! It seemed like I was asked this question every morning and evening at around 7 damn 43! Lol! My response? “Ummmm, I guess when we both get a minute… :-/” Like I said, this went on for about 2 months before I finally caved. After all, I was growing fond of this lil bearded teddy bear so my response went from “Ummmm…” to “This weekend is cool”. We were both on board… So in the midst of making plans, I find out he’s car-less and recently job-less. (With all of this good news, this fool was soon to be Nikki-less! Lol!) But I didn’t trip; I told myself to be more “OPEN-MINDED” and to see where this could potentially go. Besides, he had shown himself to be a good dude so I was willing to look past the plate and silverware he couldn’t bring to the table.

So here I am making plans to share a weekend with his man and finding myself to have the nerve to be getting excited in the midst of it all. Then as scheduled, he goes and effs it up… Wanna know how? Lemme tell you how…. (Wait, I missed pertinent information—I forgot to tell y’all that he lives in Chicago while I live in good ol Indianapolis. That’s a good 3 hour drive… maybe 2 depending on how excited I am to see you). Now, back to how he effed it up… We begin talking transportation and I guess we were reading from 2 different pages of the Nikki Manual because I was thinking he would find his own transportation to see me; HOWEVER, he was thinking otherwise. MY proposal: “Ok, you can come visit. Just let me know when you’re ready so I can plan and make sure I have the time taken off work.” HIS proposal: “Ok, I wanna see you asap. Pick me up (from Chicago) and I’ll catch the train back. Unless you wanna pick me up and take me back. That’ll work too lol”.

Ok, so y’all know me and y’all know I had to let my disapproval of driving 12 hours round trip be known. After I explained how I was NOT about to transport him to and from Chicago TWICE, I ever so kindly paid my friend http://www.megabus.com a visit and lemme tell y’all of the goodness I found! A roundtrip ticket from Chicago to Indianapolis for a meager $44! Won’t God do it?!!? So me being as generous as I am, I send him this information (with the perfect times selected and everything) and you know what he tells me?! “Dang, uhh you’re not being fair at all. If I gotta make my way there, being fair is bringing me back ma’am. Me coming to see you is ME putting in effort. Keep in mind it’s on me to get back home. YOU putting in effort would be ideal such as ‘Catch the bus here baby and I’ll get you back home’ or ‘I’ll come get you baby but you gotta get yourself home.’ Basically, what it’s looking like is if I don’t get my own shit, I won’t be seeing you. Soooo exactly where’s your effort? I mean damn you can’t meet me halfway?.” Ok , so his first mistake was whining that I was unfair for expecting him to spend $44 (which is an AWESOME deal considering how much $$ in gas it would take Red Velvet to go from Chicago to Indianapolis and back. You couldn’t get that great a deal by switching to Geico). His second mistake was calling me damn ma’am! Nigga I’m only 27, cut the ma’am shit out! Lol! So to make a long story short, we end up going back and forth about our expectations and we never truly reach a conclusion. Why? Because his belief was that I should be willing to at LEAST meet him halfway because “He’s worth it” while the entire time I was foolish enough to believe I was the catch (note sarcasm)! Apparently I had the game all wrong!!!

It was at that very moment where every inch of admiration I had for this man left my body quicker than a nigga who just found out his side chick was pregnant with twins. Initially, I asked myself, “What kinda man has the nerve and BALLS to get sooo upset because I asked you to pay $44 to visit me? Then it dawned on me—I knew exactly the type of man he was. He was either one of two types: 1.) The type of man who had an absent/disconnected mother figure who didn’t give him the love and nurturing he needed as a child so he seeks it in relationships; or 2). A man who was totally enabled and babied as a child/adolescent so he’s definitely used to and completely comfortable with a woman who has no issue with doing for him what he should be doing for himself.

Now when the whole issue began, this dude threw such a fit that I started to question my damn self! I began to wonder if I had said the wrong thing or if I really was expecting too much! I swear my mind was overtaken by the classic angel-devil duo. My angelic thoughts the entire time were, “I mean, am I REALLY asking too much of him to entirely foot the $44 bill knowing he had just lost his job and had no car? Maybe you are being a little too hard on him. The least you could do is meet him halfway and take him back to Chicago when he leaves. After all, he is nice and funny and y’all always have such a great conversation whenever y’all talk. Stop being so demanding.” On the other shoulder, my not so angelic thoughts were, “Girl fuck that and fuck his broke ass! If he wants to see you, he needs to put forth the effort. $44 ain’t shit and if he can’t afford to spend THAT, you damn sure can’t expect a nice date once he gets here. Leave him in Chicago and send tell him to use that $44 to get a laminated bus pass and a job. NEXT!” After about 45 minutes of this ongoing battle, I HAD to get an outside opinion to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. So I called a male friend of mine to get his opinion and believe it or not, he was 100% #TeamNikki! Soooo refreshing because I thought my “unrealistic standards” were beginning to land me back to square one.

Now after all was said and done, dude never came to visit me because he didn’t wanna cough up that $44 for a 3 hour bus ride. That was fine with me because my respect and admiration for him was gone by this point anyway. However, what wasn’t gone was the 46575 questions still floating through my mind. Why did I allow myself to question my feelings? Why did I allow him to make me so upset? Why did I second guess what I felt so strongly about when I KNEW in my heart of hearts that I was not being unreasonable? And most importantly, why did I even consider “meeting him halfway” when the thought of driving to Chicago to get this fool was always out the question? After about 2 days of deliberation with my angel and devil, I concluded the reason for my second guessing. I was totally in the process of enabling this man. Once the conversation began, I stood my ground like mf boss! Then as soon as he put up a little fight, I started to question myself. At one point, I was calling everyone I could to see if I was losing my mind! Why didn’t I trust myself?

My hindsight opinion? I think I began to feel guilty and borderline bitchy for my unwillingness to compromise. I’ve always told myself time and time again that I wanted to be as cooperative as possible when I entered into a relationship so it was really bothering me that I was so stubborn. Then the light bulb hit me in the head and said, “Ummmm, you ain’t in a damn relationship guh! You can demand wtf you want. YOU hold the power. If he wants the prize, he has to work for it.” And here I was, willing to risk my title as queen to make one of many potential suitors feel comfortable! A queen NEVER behaves in that manner. While remaining humble; a true queen is regal and STILL exercises her opinion with authority and grace. And you know who respects a Queen? A King! Kings demand authority and NEVER surrender to a challenge. Ladies, don’t you ever think for a second that you’re #TeamTooMuch when you’re standing up for something you believe in—especially in relationships! If you allow a man to play the role of a peasant, he damn sure will…. And well! He will cry, whine, and complain at every single request you make that requires effort…. classic King Baby syndrome! (King Baby is a man who wants to be King but reverts to being a baby when his Kingdom is put to the test). However, if you wear the shit outta your crown and demand to be respected, he’ll man tf up and perform. (You don’t have to do it rudely, but assertion is a beautiful thing!) It’s just like my mom says, “Either sit and shit or get off the pot.” Or my favorite line, “Stand up and be the man I need you to be or sit down so I can see the man behind you.” Ladies, the choice is yours…. Either wear the crown well or pass it to the next chick willing to rock it. Men respect a woman who knows what she wants. Be bold. Be beautiful. Be YOU!

No Soul, No Sentiment , No Service….

“It’s easy to take your clothes off and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams….. THAT is being naked.” ~Unknown

It’s a beautiful Sunday night and of course I’m sitting here on my couch looking like Homer Simpson in a smedium t-shirt and shorts.Laptop on my lap, drink in my cup, and R. Kelly Radio giving life in the background. (Lol, y’all know I had to paint the picture) But I digress…. Blogging invites me on a beautiful journey to mindfulness– a place where my words are totally overcome by my never-ending thoughts. And as always, my mind is singing it’s favorite tune… replaying the words to a beautiful love song. Usually, I would try my best to change the station, but this particular song has my mind totally captivated.

I started off in a moment of self- reflection thinking, “I’m 27, simply GAWJUS ;), lovable personality, independent when I have to be yet submissive when I need to be, can cook, loves sweet baby Jesus, and yet I’m still over here SINGLE! TF IS GOING ON?!?!” Then almost within the blink of an eye, I was reminded why– I am completely and utterly consumed with the beauty of being naked. (Now don’t y’all start thinking I’m out here thottin or showing my a$$!! LoL!) When I say naked, I’m referring to the quote mentioned above. I LOVE spending time with someone I’m interested in. Getting to know every single detail about them while we sit up for hours talking about everything and nothing. I live for those moments when I can have that mind-blowing soul sex with my s/o…. Slow dancing to the songs our vibes play while he’s stripping every last one of my defenses, tasting my every thought, penetrating my mind as I beg him to go deeper, making my mind orgasm until I’m left in a speechless daze and drifting into a sweet, sweet dream. (Dang, I forgot to smoke a cigarette! LoL!) Man, NOTHING turns me on more than a man who makes it his duty to explore my mind. Unfortunately, I’m starting to think that’s become a thing of the past…

Sex nowadays is common. So common that it’s lost its beauty and purpose. Sex was intended to be a special union of two lives into one. It wasn’t intended to be treated lightly because it makes you vulnerable. When it’s not performed with the right person, it actually weakens you. And who wants to be vulnerable with the wrong person?? Pssshhhh, I have enough trouble raising my hand in front of a crowd when I have a question! In my younger days, I was the poster child for “Young and Dumb”. I used to actually believe sex was just an act– that you had to have no feelings involved if you chose not to. If he was fine and looked like he had an air freshener can in his drawls, ALL SYSTEMS GO!!!! LOL! All of that were true until I found myself emotionally naked when I fell in love. It was then that I realized the mistakes I’ve made. For the very first time, everything I thought I once knew had changed. I began to yearn for someone’s time, attention, and mind above his body. Ok, maybe not ABOVE but they were equal! LoL! 😉 But seriously, once you’ve been vulnerable with someone who is vulnerable with you, it’ll never be the same. It’s truly a beautiful thang! As I’ve become older, I thank God for giving me the discernment to make better decisions. I truly believe that physical attractions are common, but mental connections are rare. Once you’ve had the latter, the former will NEVER be enough. Maybe it’s just the sapiosexual in me….

I always wonder if mental connections, and the lack thereof, are why so many people (more so women) are bitter and hopeless in their attempts to find true love. Maybe they’ve been vulnerable with the wrong one. Just think about it, being vulnerable with the wrong person has the ability to harden the most compassionate heart. It leaves you scared to ever share yourself with anyone ever again. Let’s take a woman for instance… We’ll name her Sha’Quan. Ok, so Sha’Quan goes out one night and meets Mike. Mike is tall, dark, handsome, has a deep voice, white teeth, big feet, etc. I mean, this man was so fine he made Atheists believe there was a God because only He could create something so beautiful. So these two go out on a couple of dates. Nothing serious, just a few nights of fun. No boundaries were ever established because neither of them were looking for anything serious– they genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. So after the 3rd or 4th date, they have sex. It was good stuff too, Sha’Quan had to re-install a couple of her Brazilian tracks once it was over! Hahaha! While they were still in bed, Sha’Quan asked Mike the infamous question men LOVE to hear, “Where is this going?” (And ladies we alllll know that if you have to ask this question, the answer is “no damn where!”) After 49.7 minutes of silence and play sleeping, he finally answered, “Uhhhh, what you mean? I thought we was cool.” And there it is! The beginning of the end…!

Although I believe that no one was created to have sex with ‘no strings attached’, I do believe that’s a position easier for men than us women. Reason being…. the increased production of oxytocin! Men produce oxytocin as well but women produce it at higher levels. Oxytocin plays a role in bonding, maternal instinct, enduring friendship, marriage, and (drumroll please)…. ORGASMS!!! Research shows that oxytocin is released through love making and creates a false sense of love and trust. Ladies this is why you wanna scream “I LOVE YOU!” when Tyrone is puttin it down then turn around and stalk him at his job when he doesn’t text you back within 4 seconds!! LoL! According to Dr. Loretta Breuning, “After making love a woman might mistake the oxytocin release for feelings that tell her, ‘This is your perfect partner.’ Despite those initial feelings, it does not necessarily mean that the person is trustworthy. The perception you have at the moment is an illusion you create about the person that may or may not fit what happens next”. Deep ish ain’t it?! Which is why we as women have to be extremely careful with who we allow to enter the promised land! Everyone is not intending to stay and tend to the scenery…

When these thoughts begin to enter my mind, I have to ask myself, “Is sex something people really want or is it a shield so they aren’t forced to go any deeper? Are people using sex as a cop out because they don’t know how to be vulnerable with someone?” Those questions have still gone unanswered. But I say all of that to say this…. Be careful and choose wisely! The next time you’re approached with the option of giving yourself to someone, ask yourself, “Do I love him/her?”, Does he/she know what I’m passionate about?”, “Can he/she tell when I’m mad without me speaking a single word?” “Do I want a piece of my soul to be tied with this person forever?”. If you answered no to at least two of these questions, politely excuse yourself and tell him/her…. “No Soul, No Sentiment, No Service”! Or you can just sing “No sex zone, no sex zone… they knoowww betta, they knnoowww betta!!” LoL! Trust me, it works. It’s kept me celibate for 3 years and counting! Maybe if more people had soul sex before physical sex, we’d all be in a much happier place with healthier relationships… Definitely something to consider.

Signed,
An emotional nudist in a fully clothed world

P.S. I forgot to ask my QOTD: When was the last time you were naked?? 😉

A Fool’s Gold… The Misconception of a Bad B!tch

Lupe said it best, “Bitch bad, woman good, lady better….”

(Now u know I gotta give y’all a disclaimer before I begin to help eliminate the bs and unnecessary opinions). Let’s make it clear that I’m no stranger to the b word. I’ve used it before, I use it now, and with the help of a bunch of holy oil and prayer from y’all, I’ll eliminate it from my vocabulary some time in the near future. But as of now, I’m stuck in the middle stage so don’t judge me dangit! I still love Jesus! (Wait, was that blasphemy?!) LoL! Ok anyways, here we go…

Remember back in the day (I’m thinking high school) when you could go to the flea market with one mission and one mission only– to get u a bomb a$$ gold chain. The Chinese salesman behind the counter would do his best to convince you that he was selling you top of the line 14K gold, straight from the Earth’s core. You hesitated on buying it because you questioned it’s authenticity and if you were really getting a good deal. Besides, the one in the case next to it looked better and you could tell by the price tag that it was legit. You couldn’t afford the more expensive one (despite its amazing quality) but there was no way you were leaving without your chain. Even though you knew there was one better, this one LOOKED good and you knew you could have it right now. So in all the little Chinese man’s infinite wisdom and persuasion, you bought the cheaper one. It was originally priced at $250 but since he needed a sale and it looked so good on your nice smooth skin, he sold it to you for a one-time-only $134.99, plus tax. You wore that chain faithfully and blew kisses at yourself in the mirror because you knew you looked good. Until one day you were feeling yourself and noticed that the chain was beginning to look brown in some spots. You thought to yourself, “Nah, I’m trippin. I just bought this chain. I’ll jus flip it on the other side.” After all, u paid $134.99 +tax for that chain! Ain’t no way your 14K gold is fading. About 2 weeks later, you examine it a little closer and you began to notice that some of the links are turning green. You had a slight itch but you’re thinking you’re just having a reaction to the new laundry detergent your mama started using. All of those excuses were cool until they led you to aisle 16 to buy that OTC antibiotic cream. And Idk bout you, but I don’t like a nigga with a rash…. 😉

How true is this of dating?? How often do we opt for what looks good instead of what IS good– praying that every piece of glitter we see is gold. TOO often, I see people (especially men) select partners based on face value. They have no idea of the character she possesses, and in all actuality, they may not even care. Yo chick bad lookin like a bag of money. And what’s more important than having sum’n on ya arm that makes not only men, but females stop and stare?? Now, don’t be fooled– some will tell you that their “dream woman” cooks, cleans, has a good job, and is loyal. What they DON’T tell you is that they will GLADLY skip by her loyal ass for the red bone with 32′ Brazilian weave and a fatty. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve noted inconsistencies between what we desire and what we choose. Why don’t we choose what we say we want?

Allow me to introduce you to 2 females… Kisha and Kelly. Ms. Kisha will be our baddie and Ms. Kelly is going to play the role of our good woman. Here’s a couple of stats on them both…

Ms. Kisha (THE bad b!tch):
* 5’4 (cuz of course all bad b!tches are short)
* Light skinned (She’s mixed with black, white, Asian, Puerto Rican, Italian, and we can’t forget the infamous Cherokee Indian. Everybody gotta lil Indian in em.)
* Has “good hair”
* Slim waist
* Big booty (may be booty pads, implants, or au naturale. Idk, it’s jus big)
* Employed as a CNA (b!tches love wearing scrubs)
* Has 2 sons by 2 different men
* Gets hella food stamps
* Has a Hello Kitty tramp stamp along with paw tattoos on her tits and a colorful leopard arm sleeve
* Lives in an apartment (He love her cuz she got her own.)
* Can’t cook
* Attends church occasionally (and by this I mean Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Easter)
* Turns up every weekend (Y.O.L.O.)
* Always in the latest and freshest (Giuseppe’s and Red Bottoms are her favorite)
* Her goal is to one day own her own hair salon in Atlanta or be in Wayne’s next video (Just gotta make it)

Ms. Kelly (the good woman)
* 5’8 (she ate all her veggies growing up)
* Brown skinned/ dark skinned
* Natural hair (Ms. happy to be nappy… she’s one wash & go away from Angela Davis)
* Average body type (She’s no stranger to the gym but she likes to smash too)
* Employed as the Senior Vice President of Finance and Marketing at Georgia State University
* Can cook
* Actively attends church and is heavily involved in the single’s ministry
* Just purchased a home in Buckhead, Georgia (She got that money baby, money baby, money babbbyyyy :K Camp vc:)
* Has 1 child from a previous marriage
* Doesn’t turn up every weekend, but lives for good music and the opportunity to get cute)
* Owns a couple of MK bags but would rather invest her money into her daughter’s future
* Her goal is to one day be the president of Georgia State University and retire at 45.

Of the 2, which do you think is the chosen one? I don’t know if I just associate with the wrong crowd, but hands down, I can guarantee that 97% of the men I know will gladly choose Ms. Kisha primarily based on her physical appearance. How does this happen? In my opinion, the definition of a quality woman has somewhere gotten lost in the midst of videos, ass shots, and weave bundles. On what seems to be a daily basis, I am forced to face the harsh reality that bad bitches have become the prize; leaving the good women either single or settling. Here’s the underlying message I see without fail: “Work to look like a bad b!tch or stay single until you’re 40 and he realizes that there’s more to life than a girl wit a big butt who can twerk sum’n. Am I the only who’s noticed the plethora of good, quality women still single while every ratchet chick you can find is cuffed and posting usies on Instagram?! ” It’s amazing to me how we as humans fail to appreciate the bigger picture and comprehend the age old adage that looks fade but character remains. It’s clearly a thing of the past… It’s no wonder why so many people question love. It’s because what used to be so beautiful has become so mundane…. Job well done.

Before I leave, I’m going to leave you with this, “To set in your mind and really mess with your conceptions, discretions, and reflections is clever misdirection.” To continuously believe that bad b!tches are the goal will leave you terribly misguided– causing you to reexamine your standards only to see that what you needed was there all along (you know, that chain you overlooked because it was too expensive).

A Good Woman will:
Nourish you, both physically and mentally
Be your #1 cheerleader
Encourage you to grow
Love you unconditionally
Push you past your potential
Breathe life into you to ensure every goal you have is achieved

A Bad Bitch will (this hoe needs a warning label):
Be there with you until the next man promises a come up. Point, blank, and the period.

I LOVE how urban dictionary depicted the definition of a bad b!tch:

“(Noun): The term “Bad Bitch” originated most commonly by music artist to describe females that had a bad attitude, but an attractive body. Being a “Bad Bitch” does not mean they have a job, can cook good, clean good or anything defined above. Don’t be fooled by the previous definitions, for they do NOT define what a bad bitch truly.

You can usually find bad bitches dancing in videos with barely any clothes on, in your local strip club, or joining the groupie hoes when Waka,Rick Ross, or Juicy J is in town.

Opposite of Lady or Wifey.”

Be mindful of the fool’s gold. Although it is aesthetically appealing, don’t allow it to lead you back down aisle 16 looking for antibiotic cream. As I’ve stated before, no one wants a ni69a with a rash. Remember, b!tch bad, woman good, lady better…. Choose wisely people ♥

“Dating without…

Should EVERY relationship have the goal of marriage?? Just think about it… would you consider marrying your ex(es)??

Fashion Cloud

“Dating without the intent of getting married is like going to the grocery store with no money… You either leave unsatisfied or you take something that isn’t yours.”

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Under Renovation…….

Good evening lovelies….. 🙂

This weekend, I devoted my time to looking for a place to call home, a place to call my boo!! Now, I don’t have millions to put into this new home, but I do want it’s presence to speak volumes… It’s imperative for it to look as if someone cared and took the time to tailor each and every intricate detail of its being…

Lately, I’ve been going house hunting with my sister and she’s much more experienced in the area so I truly value her opinion. While looking, we both take note of what our expectations are– number of bedrooms, square feet, beautiful siding, well kept scenery, beautiful landscaping, safe neighborhoods, how many fine men are in the parking lot, etc. 😉 During this process, I had the opportunity to notice how impulsive and unrealistic my expectations are in addition to noting how compromising and optimistic my sister’s were. My dream homes were absolutely beautiful! Gorgeous structures, clean neighborhoods, fine men in the parking lot, I mean these places were IT!!!! Then I happened to check the price tag and saw that they wanted too dang much! Now hold on honey, I don’t know about you but I work in the human services field which means I’m one cut above the cashier at McDonald’s. But I digress…

When looking for an apartment, I make mental notes of each tedious “requirement”… new black kitchen appliances, a fireplace, spacious living room, light carpet (if any), washer and dryer included, lake view, no dog crap on the sidewalks, green grass in the winter, red carpet on the sidewalk, maintenance at my disposal, and a complimentary good morning call from either R. Kelly or Mr. Obama every morning at 9:42 am…. all for $435/month. I went from place to place this weekend and within every complex, I was able to find something wrong, even the most minute thing became a deal breaker. I went to complex after complex and JUST when I thought I was ready to seal the deal, I saw these dated a*$ cabinets or either the carpet was a dingy tan or ash tray grey. Immediate dismissal and crossed off my list. How could I live in a place with kitchen cabinets I KNOW I saw on an episode of “That 70’s Show”?!? No way…

Now my sister on the other hand, she has a totally different approach. She can look at a house that looks like a shack and see nothing but potential. I’m telling you, this house can have the screen door missing, have cracked cement stairs with a gangsta lean, and a ghost staring at you from the attic window and she will STILL consider it if the price and location is right! Just weeks ago, we saw a house that I would have driven by doing 75 in a 30 but she wanted to stop and take a look inside so we did. The entire time, I sat in the car because for 1), it didn’t have the look to make me wanna shake sum’n for a house payment, and 2). it wasn’t big and pretty enough. Now this is not to say that she doesn’t desire a home with all of the works, or that she has less than average taste, she just knows potential when she sees it! She has an impeccable eye for it…. I’ve seen her live in homes with exteriors that looked completely average but the interior style and décor were nothing short of amazing!! I’m telling you, her work is gonna be featured on the cover of SEVERAL issues of “Home & Décor”. It’s coming, just wait on it!

In the middle of my search yesterday, I couldn’t help but think of how difficult looking for an apartment was! They either looked too cheap, too country, or were too expensive! Why couldn’t I find what I was looking for with the price to match?! Right then and there, I IMMEDIATELY began to think of how house hunting compared to my dating life. Time after time, I’ve been told how shallow I was and how much I needed to rid myself of the image of a “put together man”. They would say, “Nic, you need to look at your requirements and see if what you’re asking for is a bit too much.” or “Maybe you haven’t found what you’re looking for because he doesn’t exist…” Not once was I told to settle for someone who I didn’t feel I could build a life with; however, I was told to reexamine my standards to ensure they were realistic. And my thinking cap immediately turned on… How many times have I not considered someone because they didn’t have the “look” I was going for not knowing the interior was absolutely breathtaking?? Or how many times have I passed up the house that wasn’t always in the best neighborhood but it was historical in nature and it’s value was a cut above the rest?? How often do we all do this??

I then began examining my life and the lives of people I knew. Let’s go back to my sister who can turn a crack house into a cornerstone home….. her methods of house hunting are truly aligned with her dating rituals. For example, she would date some men who I wouldn’t consider for a number of reasons– they didn’t live in the right neighborhood, didn’t have the look I was going for, or they didn’t have enough square feet! LoL! 😉 . (Don’t y’all be out there shaking your head at me, we just have different taste dangit! #djm) But that never stopped her… when she makes a commitment to someone, she makes it her duty to look into their windows to see their interior… regardless of their “property value”. No matter what neighborhood they lived or how well-kept their edges were, she invested her time and energy into each and every room of their life and polished it until she revealed something beautiful and priceless… until she was able to showcase to the world the beauty she saw within. Talk about diamonds in the rough…

This really made me do some soul searching and reexamine my methods. Why did I struggle with allowing myself to appreciate the potential of others and accepting them as is?? Why do I continuously drive past places I could potentially call home? Because they were too small? Too cheap? Or had a tiny stain on the carpet that could easily be fixed with one quick cleaning? Was I setting myself up for failure? After all, who’s to say these “well put together homes” didn’t solicit unwanted attention that was sure to accompany them sometime in the future? Or even more, how could I be sure that some homes we tend to pass up fail to illuminate their external beauty because previous occupants didn’t take the time to appreciate and nurture their amenities?? Dang, I really had some thinking to do…

Now don’t let this post fool you, I still ain’t finna live in no dang shack with pea green cabinets and ashy carpet with Newport holes in them! I ain’t get THAT much insight!! LoL! BUT, I am learning that I can be a bit more lenient in my preferences. Maybe my dream home doesn’t have to have all of the furnishings upfront– the most beautiful and worthwhile accessories may come years down the line with maturity and patience. Am I still leasing with the intent to own?? You bet your bottom dollar I am. But do I need to still work on myself in the meantime so I can be sure the property I’m offering is compatible with the tenants I want to occupy it? You better believe it! Doesn’t the property manager need to ensure they’re meeting the expectations of its occupants?? INDEED! So until my next tenant comes dressed as Mr. Right, I’ll be out of the office doing property renovations… Be back soon!

Peace and blessings y’all,
Sucka4luvv

Breaking the cycle…

Looking at this picture reminds me of a few of my past relationships– beginning as strangers and returning to that same place… that place that’s familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. Wondering how we got there. From talking on the phone all night to barely speaking. From sharing something so beautiful to having a feeling so painful that you couldn’t begin to fathom it even if u tried. From dates to disaster…. how do we get here?? How do we break the cycle?