Love: The Beauty, The Beast, The Battle…..

Love is a drug, Im just looking for my pusher!!!

K.I.N.G. Baby

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Greetings my beauties and beasts! 😉 I know it’s been some time since I’ve allowed my thoughts to freely flow through my fingers so I’m definitely past due for a release of emotion. As you may already be aware of, my mind isn’t right if it’s not thinking of those four magical letters that bring me so much joy and fulfillment…wine! Lol! J/k…. I kid, I kid! LOVE silly!!! 😉

Although I try my best to function as a sane individual, my mind sometimes has its own agenda. Whether I’m at work or in the privacy of my own thoughts, my mind loves to escape on these illicit journeys that involve the love of my life and my future. As of late, I’ve been taking some time to meditate on my relationship views and how they potentially play a part in my current relationship status… single as hell!

Soooooo with that being said, over the past 3-4 months I’ve allowed myself to broaden my scope of an “ideal man” and learn to understand and appreciate the opposite sex for who they really are. You know, take some time to really get to see what they bring to the table besides excuses and penis. Time after time, I’ve been hearing people tell me, “Your standards are too high.” or “You know the older you get, the harder it’s gonna be to find a man with no kids… you may have to re-think that!” So with me not having any luck in the past, I decided to take their crazy ass advice and see where this road would take me. You know where it took me?! Down a damn crack alley, that’s where! Smh

It all started with a… “Hey beautiful, when can I see you?” This was the line I’ve been hearing for about 2 months. Of course, I tried my best to avoid the conversation at times but eventually, that curve was no longer an option—this dude was NOT having it! It seemed like I was asked this question every morning and evening at around 7 damn 43! Lol! My response? “Ummmm, I guess when we both get a minute… :-/” Like I said, this went on for about 2 months before I finally caved. After all, I was growing fond of this lil bearded teddy bear so my response went from “Ummmm…” to “This weekend is cool”. We were both on board… So in the midst of making plans, I find out he’s car-less and recently job-less. (With all of this good news, this fool was soon to be Nikki-less! Lol!) But I didn’t trip; I told myself to be more “OPEN-MINDED” and to see where this could potentially go. Besides, he had shown himself to be a good dude so I was willing to look past the plate and silverware he couldn’t bring to the table.

So here I am making plans to share a weekend with his man and finding myself to have the nerve to be getting excited in the midst of it all. Then as scheduled, he goes and effs it up… Wanna know how? Lemme tell you how…. (Wait, I missed pertinent information—I forgot to tell y’all that he lives in Chicago while I live in good ol Indianapolis. That’s a good 3 hour drive… maybe 2 depending on how excited I am to see you). Now, back to how he effed it up… We begin talking transportation and I guess we were reading from 2 different pages of the Nikki Manual because I was thinking he would find his own transportation to see me; HOWEVER, he was thinking otherwise. MY proposal: “Ok, you can come visit. Just let me know when you’re ready so I can plan and make sure I have the time taken off work.” HIS proposal: “Ok, I wanna see you asap. Pick me up (from Chicago) and I’ll catch the train back. Unless you wanna pick me up and take me back. That’ll work too lol”.

Ok, so y’all know me and y’all know I had to let my disapproval of driving 12 hours round trip be known. After I explained how I was NOT about to transport him to and from Chicago TWICE, I ever so kindly paid my friend http://www.megabus.com a visit and lemme tell y’all of the goodness I found! A roundtrip ticket from Chicago to Indianapolis for a meager $44! Won’t God do it?!!? So me being as generous as I am, I send him this information (with the perfect times selected and everything) and you know what he tells me?! “Dang, uhh you’re not being fair at all. If I gotta make my way there, being fair is bringing me back ma’am. Me coming to see you is ME putting in effort. Keep in mind it’s on me to get back home. YOU putting in effort would be ideal such as ‘Catch the bus here baby and I’ll get you back home’ or ‘I’ll come get you baby but you gotta get yourself home.’ Basically, what it’s looking like is if I don’t get my own shit, I won’t be seeing you. Soooo exactly where’s your effort? I mean damn you can’t meet me halfway?.” Ok , so his first mistake was whining that I was unfair for expecting him to spend $44 (which is an AWESOME deal considering how much $$ in gas it would take Red Velvet to go from Chicago to Indianapolis and back. You couldn’t get that great a deal by switching to Geico). His second mistake was calling me damn ma’am! Nigga I’m only 27, cut the ma’am shit out! Lol! So to make a long story short, we end up going back and forth about our expectations and we never truly reach a conclusion. Why? Because his belief was that I should be willing to at LEAST meet him halfway because “He’s worth it” while the entire time I was foolish enough to believe I was the catch (note sarcasm)! Apparently I had the game all wrong!!!

It was at that very moment where every inch of admiration I had for this man left my body quicker than a nigga who just found out his side chick was pregnant with twins. Initially, I asked myself, “What kinda man has the nerve and BALLS to get sooo upset because I asked you to pay $44 to visit me? Then it dawned on me—I knew exactly the type of man he was. He was either one of two types: 1.) The type of man who had an absent/disconnected mother figure who didn’t give him the love and nurturing he needed as a child so he seeks it in relationships; or 2). A man who was totally enabled and babied as a child/adolescent so he’s definitely used to and completely comfortable with a woman who has no issue with doing for him what he should be doing for himself.

Now when the whole issue began, this dude threw such a fit that I started to question my damn self! I began to wonder if I had said the wrong thing or if I really was expecting too much! I swear my mind was overtaken by the classic angel-devil duo. My angelic thoughts the entire time were, “I mean, am I REALLY asking too much of him to entirely foot the $44 bill knowing he had just lost his job and had no car? Maybe you are being a little too hard on him. The least you could do is meet him halfway and take him back to Chicago when he leaves. After all, he is nice and funny and y’all always have such a great conversation whenever y’all talk. Stop being so demanding.” On the other shoulder, my not so angelic thoughts were, “Girl fuck that and fuck his broke ass! If he wants to see you, he needs to put forth the effort. $44 ain’t shit and if he can’t afford to spend THAT, you damn sure can’t expect a nice date once he gets here. Leave him in Chicago and send tell him to use that $44 to get a laminated bus pass and a job. NEXT!” After about 45 minutes of this ongoing battle, I HAD to get an outside opinion to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. So I called a male friend of mine to get his opinion and believe it or not, he was 100% #TeamNikki! Soooo refreshing because I thought my “unrealistic standards” were beginning to land me back to square one.

Now after all was said and done, dude never came to visit me because he didn’t wanna cough up that $44 for a 3 hour bus ride. That was fine with me because my respect and admiration for him was gone by this point anyway. However, what wasn’t gone was the 46575 questions still floating through my mind. Why did I allow myself to question my feelings? Why did I allow him to make me so upset? Why did I second guess what I felt so strongly about when I KNEW in my heart of hearts that I was not being unreasonable? And most importantly, why did I even consider “meeting him halfway” when the thought of driving to Chicago to get this fool was always out the question? After about 2 days of deliberation with my angel and devil, I concluded the reason for my second guessing. I was totally in the process of enabling this man. Once the conversation began, I stood my ground like mf boss! Then as soon as he put up a little fight, I started to question myself. At one point, I was calling everyone I could to see if I was losing my mind! Why didn’t I trust myself?

My hindsight opinion? I think I began to feel guilty and borderline bitchy for my unwillingness to compromise. I’ve always told myself time and time again that I wanted to be as cooperative as possible when I entered into a relationship so it was really bothering me that I was so stubborn. Then the light bulb hit me in the head and said, “Ummmm, you ain’t in a damn relationship guh! You can demand wtf you want. YOU hold the power. If he wants the prize, he has to work for it.” And here I was, willing to risk my title as queen to make one of many potential suitors feel comfortable! A queen NEVER behaves in that manner. While remaining humble; a true queen is regal and STILL exercises her opinion with authority and grace. And you know who respects a Queen? A King! Kings demand authority and NEVER surrender to a challenge. Ladies, don’t you ever think for a second that you’re #TeamTooMuch when you’re standing up for something you believe in—especially in relationships! If you allow a man to play the role of a peasant, he damn sure will…. And well! He will cry, whine, and complain at every single request you make that requires effort…. classic King Baby syndrome! (King Baby is a man who wants to be King but reverts to being a baby when his Kingdom is put to the test). However, if you wear the shit outta your crown and demand to be respected, he’ll man tf up and perform. (You don’t have to do it rudely, but assertion is a beautiful thing!) It’s just like my mom says, “Either sit and shit or get off the pot.” Or my favorite line, “Stand up and be the man I need you to be or sit down so I can see the man behind you.” Ladies, the choice is yours…. Either wear the crown well or pass it to the next chick willing to rock it. Men respect a woman who knows what she wants. Be bold. Be beautiful. Be YOU!

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Author: sucka4luvv

Sanity!??! Who needs it!!! I'll take love instead..... ;)

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